Q: I’ve started dating a woman who is a little “kinky” in bed. How can I ask her to be gentler without coming off like a wuss?
A: Sounds like you’ve got an interesting conundrum on your hands: You want to seem like a “man” who is up for anything, but you don’t necessarily enjoy what she’s doing. There are no hard and fast rules when it comes to sex. First off, know that you’re not a wuss—you just have different tastes and there’s nothing wrong with that. The old saying, ‘different strokes for different folks,’ definitely rings true when it comes to getting it on. Just as not everyone loves foie gras, not everyone loves a ball gag.
The same holds true for your girl—what may seem rough to you may seem completely normal to her. However, if she is doing something that you’re not comfortable with or that hurts, you have to speak up because that is what true intimacy is all about. And hopefully this will get her to be gentler so you can relax and enjoy sex together more. According to Good Vibrations resident sexologist Dr. Carol Queen, there are a few likely possibilities for her rough housing; either she gets turned on causing pain or she likes receiving it and therefore assumes that everyone else does. Or maybe she just doesn’t realize how strong she is.
“Ask her is directly but without being accusatory,” advises Dr. Queen. For example, “You really get into it when you bite me, but that sensation actually doesn’t do anything for me — what turns me on the most is…” Ask if perhaps what she really wants is to be bitten. If that’s the case, you can always bite her without being gnawed on yourself. And as always, positive reinforcement works wonders. If there is something she does that you like, let her know! Of course if she’s just into whips and chains and you’re not, you guys might not be sexually compatible. And if that’s the case, it might be time to find someone else.
About the hot girl Rachel Khona is a writer and sometimes performer living in Brooklyn. She has written for Cosmopolitan, Inked, American Way, Penthouse, Bust, and Your Tango, among others. She has been featured on radio shows “Broadminded” and “Poundstone Power” on Sirius XM, Ask Men’s video series, and Coed Magazine.
