We all know the dating game has become impossibly complicated these days. Are the women for you on Hinge or Bumble? Should you pony up dinner or just a drink on the first date? How many days should you wait to call someone in the digital dating world? So when you finally get her to the bedroom, wouldn’t it be great to be a total expert at pleasing her?
We’re not talking about turning yourself into some spiritual tantric sex god, just mastering the important things—like kissing, spending enough time with crucial foreplay, and not missing her cues and therefore depriving yourself of some bedroom-judo acts you didn’t even know she was game for (crazy hate sex, quasi-public sex, underwater sex…).
Believe us, we know—we polled women across the country and asked them to reveal the intimate moments that have been burned the deepest into their brains, including what they liked, what they hated, and what really drove them wild. So here’s your best guide to pleasing a woman—straight from the women themselves.
“It was Valentine’s Day after we’d been together for a few years, and we did the typical dinner date. But then he blindfolded me and drove me to a new hotel, where he’d booked the hot tub suite and had rose petals and lit candles. It smelled amazing. He poured champagne and filled the hot tub after my germaphobe questioning. (‘Did you really clean this thing?’) Having sex in the tub was something I’d never done—it’s supposed to be painful, right?—but he had me wet before I got in the water. He’d thought of everything, down to special silicone-based lube for water sex—which you definitely need—and it was perfect. The water was calming, and the secret to water sex is to keep every movement slow and sensual, almost like riding a wave. We were also trying hard not to make waves, which makes a mess—water will spill over the sides! After a failed attempt at giving him underwater head that was hilarious—my brain was saying, ‘Hold your breath, put a dick in your mouth, don’t suffocate’; we still talk about it today. I rode him, then we did it doggie-style. I loved every minute of that night.” – Kelly, 35, Little Rock, AR
The Sexpert’s Take “Note that years later, she’s still talking about those moments of humanity,” says Ken Page, L.C.S.W., New York psychotherapist and author of Deeper Dating: How to Drop the Games of Seduction and Discover the Power of Intimacy. “The pauses, the laughter, the playfulness, the accidents—those are the moments of sexual magic that would never happen in porn.”
2. “It takes discipline, but explore her body for hours before sex. Trust me.”
“We first met on Match.com, and after several dates he took me to a French restaurant with beautiful stained glass windows and amazing service. I felt so sophisticated! We enjoyed five courses and several glasses of wine. After we left, he twirled me in the parking lot and kissed me. It’s cheesy, yes, but even grown women need to feel like a princess every now and then. We went back to his place, where he quickly progressed from kissing me to touching me, and we ended up in the bedroom, exploring each other for hours. I was definitely wanting more of him and was ready to have sex, but he undressed me slowly and kissed me all over. He kept doing that, slowly touching everywhere, kissing me and touching every part of me, especially my belly, my neck, my shoulders, and of course down there. After what felt like an eternity, we were naked, and I’d never wanted someone so badly. The long buildup and foreplay—longer than I’d ever experienced—made it feel so special. And his discipline and self-control was so incredibly sexy. We set a date for the next day to continue where things left off. It worked—a year and a half later, we were married.” – Caitlyn, 35, Columbus, OH
The Sexpert’s Take “A luxury date should really correspond to where the relationship is at that point,” says Jill Weber, Ph.D., a Washington, D.C.-based relationship psychologist and the author of Getting Close to Others. “As a woman’s feelings for the person increase, she sees that he’s taking a deeper interest in her and really showing his investment in her—and a luxurious date is a manifestation of that.”
3. “Sometimes a girl needs to be railed in a leather armchair.”
“I’d been dating a hot guy from a faraway town on and off pretty casually because neither of us could move closer due to our careers. But one night after a particularly steamy text session, he offered to get a hotel room for us that weekend. From the moment I walked into the room we never lost touch of each other physically. What was so hot was that he took control while really focusing on my sexual needs. I’d gone years without a man taking control, and I really liked what he did: rough penetration mixed with moments of slow, sweet lovemaking. If he’d done only one or the other, I would’ve been completely unsatisfied. He ripped my clothes off, kissed my breasts, held my arms above my head, and then went down on me. We fucked all over the hotel room, him directing me where to go, and always in positions where he could stimulate me. My favorite moment was being railed while in a leather armchair, legs up in the air. I loved being able to see him. The night worked because we’d both spoken about our desires beforehand, and we acted on it. He was aroused by my arousal, as if his innate drive was to make me feel good. To this day, I want more!” – Rebekah, 33, Ellsworth, ME
The Sexpert’s Take “Enjoying your partner’s arousal is the key to great sex, and not only physiological arousal but the emotional arousal that goes with it,” says Page. “The psychological signs to look for: flushing on her face and body, the sounds she makes, her body moving in response to pleasure, and the ways she touches and looks at you. You can feel when she moves from just sex into something deeper.”
4. “If you’re fighting, turn that into intense sex immediately.”
“It doesn’t take much for me to switch between anger and passion, and sex can be a great release—I like to get rid of those bad feelings with a reassurance that the love is still there. On Valentine’s Day with Josh, I was angry that he hadn’t invited me out and was still not calling me his girlfriend. Add red wine, getting lost on the subway, and my texting things like, ‘I’m cold, and IT’S YOUR FAULT,’ and by the time he finally called, I was raging mad and refused to answer. When I did make it back to my apartment, he was on the front steps and threw me against the door of my building with the most passionate five-minute kiss: It said, ‘I need you right now,’ and it got me from anger to passion. I went from wanting to slap him to melting. Clothing came off on the way up the stairs. That night he was unabashedly kinky and very vocal: ‘I’m all yours’ and ‘You feel so good tonight,’ continuously telling me how amazing I looked and felt on him; and the sex was really slow and sensual, like we were both intensely feeling every thrust. After the rage of our fight, it was both of us saying we were sorry, and the passion was out of control. Today, I’m happy to be out of that relationship—it was too volatile. But I still think about the sex often. He’s the only guy I’ve ever orgasmed with every time.” – Loni, 29, New York, NY
The Sexpert’s Take “Angry sex can many times be really, really passionate because you long for what you don’t have,” says Nelson, before issuing a warning: “This sort of sex can sometimes be a sign of real aggression and not healthy intimacy, so use discernment and be cautious.”
5. “Let her stay on top forever—until she indicates otherwise.”
“It started with him cooking me a healthy, fresh meal. He knows that I eat healthy, so cooking dinner is a real panty dropper, seriously. During dinner he kept touching my leg, giving me kisses, and grazing my chest. He sat across from me and would reach for my leg under the table when I didn’t expect it. It made me feel sexy and wanted—there was no question that he was into me. While we were cleaning up, he picked me up and pressed me against the refrigerator, magnets be damned. It was an I-need-you-inside-me-right-now situation, so we moved to the bedroom. It was the most incredible sex of my life—incredible because he was so attentive to all my body parts. I couldn’t wait to have him inside of me. Once he was, we got a good rhythm going, not too fast or slow, just enough that we could really feel each other. I told him that I could get off only on top, so he made sure I was able to take my time in that position—he had my pleasure in mind and didn’t want to finish before I did, and that took a lot of the pressure away and made me feel comfortable. We were both out of breath and sort of in shock afterward because it was so intense and fun! The entire dinner date was a buildup of flirting and tension, so the sex was an amazing release.” – Maggie, 31, Laguna Beach, CA
The Sexpert’s Take “What makes this work is that he didn’t have his hands all over her right away,” says Dallisa Hocking, founder of Love FrogKisser, a Texas-based love coaching company. “Don’t jump right into it and start grabbing immediately. Use that first part of the date to get to know her and see if you feel like there’s chemistry there.”
6. “Press her against the window. The danger of being seen will turn her on.”
“It was a lazy afternoon in August. We were sitting next to each other on lounge chairs on a private patio overlooking a fairly popular beach, drinking ice tea and reading our books. He knows I love to be watched, so he started by very gently running his finger over my panties, but stopped there, just to tease me. It was just enough to turn me on but not enough to satisfy me, and he kept it up for almost 10 minutes while he read his book, as if he couldn’t care less. Soon enough, I couldn’t take it anymore, and we moved inside, and he pushed my back up against the glass of the window. It was my fantasy, but I loved that I didn’t have to ask for it. He pulled my short summer dress over my head and turned me to face the beach. We’d talked about doing something like this before, and he asked if I was comfortable, and when I said yes he put an arm around my waist, pressed my face gently against the window, and pushed inside of me. It turned me on so much to think that someone might see me, pressed against the window, getting fucked from behind.” – Sara, 25, Charleston, SC
The Sexpert’s Take “People’s turn-ons can either mimic the way they act in life—a dominant person may enjoy being dominant in bed—or be the exact opposite,” says Weber. “So just look at her personality and test things out, and of course talk about it with her before you do it. Remember: This guy already knew what her fantasy was.”
