As a sex therapist and the creator of Finishing School, an online course that teaches women how to orgasm alone and with their partners, I’ve had a lot of conversations about first orgasms. Women have told me the specific thoughts that go through their heads when they’re with their partners. They’ve told me the major challenges and blockages that they face in reaching their climax. I’ve developed techniques for helping women let go and topple over the edge, and I’ve honed those techniques after getting feedback from hundreds of women. And now, I want to share that knowledge with you! Here are eight steps you can take to help your lady have her very first orgasm, whether she’s your long-term partner or a one-night stand.
Vanessa Marin is a licensed psychotherapist specializing in all things sex.
Don’t Pressure Her
One of the main frustrations I hear from my clients is that they feel pressured by their partners to have an orgasm. My clients have heard things like, “you’re the only woman I’ve been with who has had this problem.” Even phrases like, “I can’t be satisfied unless you orgasm” or “are you there yet?” can come off as pressuring with the wrong tone.
No one wants to feel that they need to perform a certain way in the bedroom. If you’ve ever struggled to get or stay hard, or control your orgasmic timing, I’m sure you can understand how terrible it is to feel performance pressure.
My advice—don’t even bring up the topic of orgasm. If she mentions it, you can set her at ease by saying something like, “I want to make you feel good when you’re with me. If you end up having an orgasm at the end, that’s great. But I’m more focused on making you feel good the entire time.”
The clitoris is the center of the orgasmic universe for women. The best way to make a woman orgasm is by using your fingers, your mouth—or both—on her clit. She’s most likely not going to orgasm from penetration alone, (only about 20-30% of women can), so aim to give her an orgasm first.
Unfortunately, a lot of women have a hard time allowing themselves to be the center of attention. If she balks, say something like, “I really enjoy focusing on you, so don’t worry about me. If you want to, you can make it up to me later.”
One of the reasons why it can be so hard for women to receive is because we’ve been socialized to be embarrassed of the appearance, taste, and smell of our genitals. She’s likely to feel a bit on guard with you getting so up close and personal. You can help her feel more comfortable by giving her tons of compliments. Tell her you think she tastes amazing. Tell her you could get lost between her legs.
Now let’s talk about the specifics of what to do when you’re pleasuring her. One of the biggest mistakes men make is going way too fast. This isn’t a race! Most women love being teased as much as they love actually being licked and touched. Spend plenty of time nibbling her neck, kissing her thighs, and rubbing her labia over her underwear. You want her to be practically begging you for more before you even venture between her legs.
Another major mistake men make is being too rough with the clitoris. Her clitoris is much more delicate than your penis. Start off by touching her clitoris so slowly and so gently that you couldn’t even imagine it being pleasurable. Very, very gradually work your way up to more pressure and more speed. When it comes to the actual stroke you use with your fingers or your tongue, my advice is to not get too complicated. A woman is most likely to orgasm from simple, consistent strokes. With your fingers, try stroking back and forth diagonally across the surface of her clit. With your tongue, try going in circles around her clit.
If she hasn’t had an orgasm yet, she’s not going to know exactly what she needs to get there. Don’t ask her questions like, “what do you want?” or “what should I do?” That will just put her on the spot and make her feel uncomfortable. The smarter way to elicit feedback is by asking her to compare two strokes, two speeds, or two levels of pressure. Ask her, “do you like it better when I do this or this?”
On average, women take about 20 minutes to reach orgasm. That’s another reason why I recommend keeping it simple with your strokes; you want to be able to sustain the same movement for about 20 minutes! It’s also important to continue helping her feel comfortable being the center of attention. If you notice her start to get impatient, tell her, “I’m loving this, so I’m going to keep going until you tell me you want me to stop.”
Perhaps the best tip I could give you is to make sure you’re having fun as you’re pleasuring her. If you enjoy giving oral more than touching her, stick with your tongue. If there’s a particular stroke you enjoy doing, do it. Truly, there’s nothing hotter than having an enthusiastic partner. She’ll be able to relax and you’ll be able to enjoy pleasuring her. Talk about a win-win!
