To help you do that, we talked to Megan Fleming, Ph.D., psychologist and sex and relationship therapist and Jess O’Reilly, Ph.D., Astroglide’s sex and relationship expert, to identify what might be turning down the dial on your sex life—and how you can heat things up again.
“For most couples, sex becomes scripted,” Fleming says. “The curiosity, the play, the imagination, the creativity, the exploration, and the focus on pleasure has been forgotten—replaced by sex at the same time, same positions,” she explains. Reset your mindset. If the sex you’re having doesn’t feel worth having, then it’s time to switch things up. Try these raunchy sex positions, for example. Or, make one of these 10 moves you haven’t made in bed yet—but should.
You’re Not Asking for What You Want
“If you’re afraid to ask for what you want (e.g. spanking, dirty talk), your sex life isn’t living up to its potential,” O’Reilly says. You don’t need us to tell you that asking for what you want in bed makes sex more satisfying, but if you do need our help initiating the conversation, read our guide on having it—the right way. You need to speak up in order to make any dull sex more exciting. “And if your partner isn’t willing to at least consider your needs and fantasies (with some give and take), you may not be compatible,” O’Reilly says.
You Say Yes When You Mean No
The most important factor in having great sex is feeling rested and relaxed. “When you’re running on empty and have nothing left to give, sex can feel like an obligation,” Fleming says. When you’re mentally and physically not into it, and you’re just going through the motions, guess what? That’s a real turn off for her. Don’t say yes unless you feel your best. “The biggest turn on is feeling your partner’s desire,” Fleming adds.
Porn Is Your Reference Point
For the most part, porn plays a big role in a guy’s sexual exploration and “education” at a young age. Problem is, you can’t think of porn as sex education because everything is exaggerated, unrealistic, and unrelatable. “I don’t care how popular or ranked a sex video is,” Fleming says. “When it comes to the erotic, you are your own expert.” Explore and do what speaks to you, and what feels good to your body.
Research shows a good night’s sleep does wonders for your sex life and relationship. For men, a lack of sleep doesn’t just sour a good mood. You’re lowering testosterone levels that can contribute to low libido, erectile dysfunction, and low sperm count. “One reason we’re losing out on sleep involves the blue light emitted from phones and tablets,” O’Reilly says. “Try to store your devices away an hour before you hit the sack.”
You’re Eating Too Much
A recent study suggests cutting your calorie intake is good for your sex life. Researchers divided healthy volunteers into two groups—one ate as they pleased and the other group reduced their caloric intake by 25 percent. Eating less improved mood, sleep, and sex drive; how’s that for diet motivation.
You’re Just Having Casual Flings
Swiping left and right is the new age of dating—or, rather, hooking up. “Sex feels good; it’s a physical experience,” Fleming says. But for many, what makes it worth having is the intimacy and connection that comes with a relationship, she adds.
“If you’re one of the 10 percent of Americans who check their text messages during sex (per new research from the University of Virginia), it’s unlikely you’re getting everything you can out of the experience,” O’Reilly says. If you hear your phone going off on your nightstand, ignore it! Make a habit of turning your ringer off as soon as you walk in the door, O’Reilly suggests.
You’re a Sex Perfectionist
If you set ridiculously high standards for performance in bed, your partner can be suffering from sexual dysfunction and negative self-image, according to research from the University of Kent. When women feel pressure to be flawless and live up to certain standards, her self-confidence, arousal, and assurance take a hit—and so does your sex life. Make her feel comfortable and secure. This way when you talk about the moves you’ve been craving, or what’s missing in your sex life, you can have an open discussion that brings you closer, not further apart.
You’re Not in the Moment
Forget about work, what you’re going to have for dinner—even your family—once the foreplay starts. “Be in the moment, not in the past or the future. Make room for the possibilities and stay present,” Fleming recommends. It’s just like when you’re at the gym—if you spend the whole time worried about outside stressors you’re not going to get the best workout. Same applies here.
“I hear women and men of all ages bragging that they don’t use lube like it’s a badge of honor,” O’Reilly says. But being “wet” isn’t a universal sign of arousal, she stresses. “A woman can get wet walking to the bus stop; and other times, she can be dry as a desert despite being riled into a sexual frenzy,” O’Reilly explains. You don’t have to use lube as a default each time you’re fooling around or having sex; just don’t think you’re not good enough as a sexual partner to get her going on your own, unassisted. Look at lube as untapped potential. You can discover new positions, techniques, and options that simply aren’t doable without the slippery stuff, O’Reilly explains.
You’re Worried About Performing
Sex is going to suck if you’re too busy worrying about your performance (how you look, how you sound, how long you last),” O’Reilly says. “You’re likely to slip into the habit of ‘spectatoring’—looking in on sex as a spectator as opposed to simply experiencing it,” she explains. Put your insecurities aside and draw your attention toward the naked woman in your bed.
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