Imagine you had an hour to sit at a bar next to a beautiful woman—who also happened to be a sex expert—and ask her all of the questions you wanted to know about women and sex without being slapped (or judged). Minus the beer, we did just that. Meet your professor—Emily Morse, sexologist, host of the top downloaded sex and relationship advice podcast Sex with Emily and co-founder of Emily & Tony. Since she doesn’t have time to sit with each and every one of you, Morse divulged the top 10 questions men ask her about women and sex. Check ‘em out here—in order of most popular to least—with her candid answers so you’ll know exactly how to proceed with the women in your life.
1. Why can’t she orgasm?
If your girlfriend can’t orgasm during intercourse, she’s not alone—80% of women don’t reach orgasm through intercourse alone; most women require an assist from extra clitoral stimulation. To top that off, one in three women has trouble reaching orgasm at all. There could be many reasons, and none of them have to do with your sexual prowess. She might be feeling stressed or anxious, she may have low self-esteem or she may be just plain inexperienced with her own body. It’s all about a woman knowing her own hot spots, and once she figures them out, she can show you how she gets there. Another fun way to tilt the orgasm odds is to try out a sex toy. Incorporating a vibrator for extra clitoral stimulation during intercourse will definitely increase the odds of her having an orgasm.
2. How can we re-ignite the passion we had in the beginning?
When you first start dating a new person, every moment is sexy and thrilling because it’s uncharted territory. As the relationship develops, it becomes more routine, and therefore more boring. Once it becomes boring, the sex can become obsolete.
Sex is amazing at the beginning because there’s still mystery, excitement, and spontaneity, the foundation to keeping great sex alive. Planning things like date nights and new activities will help keep the relationship fresh, interesting, and sexy. And as unsexy as it sounds, set aside “sex time” for you and your partner to try new things. Make a sex bucket list of what you’d both like to try and cross something off the list every week or month. Be adventurous, be kinky, share your fantasies with each other and then make them happen. You’d be surprised what a new toy or change of scenery can do. Chances are, the spark hasn’t actually gone out; it’s just that no one’s been fanning the flames.
3. How can I get her to have sex with me more often?
You’re never going to “get” anyone to have more sex with you if you look at it as a one-way street. You want more sex, and you expect your girlfriend or wife to come along for your pleasure ride. If you really want more sex from your partner, tailor the sex to her needs, instead of focusing all your attention on your pleasure.
While it’s common for couples to have mismatched libidos, it doesn’t necessarily mean she doesn’t like sex as much you do, she just might not need it as often. A woman’s sex drive is tied to her brain more than her nether regions. This means she needs to be warmed up for action. Foreplay starts after the last orgasm; so if you’re feeling that she’s never in the mood, work on turning her on. Send her a flirty text message and tell her how good she felt last time you were together and what you’re going to do the next time you see her. Speaking of foreplay, kissing is another overlooked way to get things going and it’s often the first thing to slip by the wayside in long-term relationships. Lock lips to enhance intimacy and connection.
The last thing you want to do is to blame or pressure her, the more you push, the less she’ll want to give which won’t result in more action for you. You get more sex with honey than with vinegar. Sometimes couples just aren’t matched up sexually no matter what you do, so it might take compromise on both parts to set a sex schedule that works for both of you.
4. How can I get her to be more adventurous in bed?
Approach the issue playfully. Make it a game, instead of a game changer. Start an open discussion about things that you’d like to try in the bedroom. Encourage your partner to write down things that turn her on and you’ll do the same. Then swap lists and read to each other in bed. Watching porn together is another fun way to get inspiration and to warm your partner up to trying new things. If she sees it acted out on screen, she might find herself feeling more aroused and less intimidated. If your partner is more vanilla, start slowly and carefully. If she loves missionary sex, suggest new positions, like girl-on-top. With each small move she makes on the “adventure” scale, give her positive feedback to let her know how much these things turn you on.
5. Sometimes I finish too quickly, what’s wrong with me?
There’s nothing wrong with you. It sounds like you’re up close and personal with the number-one sexual issue that men face today—premature ejaculation. Most men have experienced this at least a few times in their lives, but for others it’s a persistent nuisance almost every time they have intercourse. PE is often attributed to a number of factors including anxiety, psychological issues, or a variety of medical conditions.
The good news is that you can work on it and improve your ability to control your erections. You can become a champion in bed just by doing Kegel exercises to strengthen your pubococcygeus (PC) muscles , which can help you last longer during sex. Reducing anxiety is key, so consider trying yoga or meditation. Fleshlight makes a great stamina-training unit where you can incorporate the “stop-start” method during masturbation, training yourself to control your ejaculation. Or you can try the only FDA-approved treatment for PE, a mild delay spray called Promescent. Use it 10 minutes before sex and double your staying power. No matter what you do, it’s best to communicate the anxiety that you’re experiencing about this issue to your partner and your doctor. Just talking about it will alleviate some of the stress and shame you feel and put you on road to finding the right solution.
6. How can I get my partner to have anal sex?
Anal sex is the “it” thing to get your partner to do. Yes, it’s naughty and a little bit taboo, but when done wrong, anal can be a real pain-in-the-ass (pun intended) and an absolute nightmare on the receiving end. Whether she had a bad experience, or knows someone who had a bad experience, the majority of women are predisposed to fear anal sex. Your goal here is to make this the most pleasurable experience possible for her.
First, approach the topic by talking about new things you’d like to try in bed. Let her know how much the idea of anal sex turns you on, without being pushy. If you force the issue, you run the risk of her going into lockdown mode. If your partner is into idea, start with foreplay to get her warmed up and relaxed, a requirement for her pleasure. Start small by gently rubbing around the area during sex or when you’re going down on her. You can also try using your tongue to stimulate the sensitive nerve endings that are rarely explored. If she feels comfortable with these initial steps, you can move on to inserting a digit, then two, and so on. There should be communication happening every step of the way with anal sex—before, during, and after. Especially if it’s the first time or first few times she’s having anal sex, ask her about her pleasure and comfort levels throughout the experience. And do not forget the lube. There is no such thing as too much lube when it comes to anal sex.
Think about something you excel at and chances are, you rock it because you really enjoy doing it. The same goes for giving great oral. The best way to be great at oral sex is to learn to like it. Or at least act like you do. That will help her feel more comfortable and then you will find you actually do enjoy it.
The biggest mistakes guys make when performing oral is going straight for her genitals. Don’t dive right in like it’s a pie-eating contest! She’s not warmed up yet, and it might even hurt her if she’s not aroused. The best thing to do is to tease her and draw out the experience before you even start going down. Plant kisses on her abdomen and thighs. Use your hands to gently massage the area surrounding her vagina to heighten her anticipation. When you finally do make contact, start off slowly with slight licks and gentle caresses to warm her up. Use both the tip and flat part of your tongue to flick and lick. Women tend to prefer circular motions, but experiment with different speeds and pressure, and pay attention to how she responds. If you’re feeling adventurous, try tracing the alphabet with your tongue, or lightly humming to create a slight vibrating sensation. You can also throw your fingers into the mix to try a little G-spot stimulation along with your tongue. As she gets closer to climax, keep doing exactly what you’re doing. Once she’s had her Big O, return to the gentle kisses around her outer labia and thighs before popping your head up to experience the praise for your hard work.
8. How can I have a threesome?
Depending on the situation, threesomes can either be extremely fun or really dangerous for the relationship. If one of the two people in question is your significant other, proceed with caution. Make sure that you and your significant other are in a good place—emotionally, sexually or otherwise. If you’re not strong in any of those areas, the threesome could be the straw that breaks the relationship’s back. Preexisting jealousy issues and low self-esteem are signs you should abort the mission. Only couples with a solid healthy relationship and adventurous sexual tastes should attempt to ride the tricycle. If you and your partner meet the criteria, the next step is introducing the idea in a non-threatening way. Just like anal sex, if you mess up the intro, the door will slam in your face. Initiate a conversation about both of your fantasies. When you bring up the idea, make her the center of your threesome scenario. Talk about how sexy it would be to see her with another woman. She will certainly feel more desired and this will squash any insecurities she has about you wanting to be with another woman.
After this, you and your partner need to lay down some ground rules, like whether you’ll invite a friend or a guest star, what are the no-no’s, how you want the night to end, and so on. If you’re both open to the experience, and honest with each other, you can both get the most out of your ménage a trois.
9. Is my penis too small?
Let’s start with the facts: Scientifically speaking, a penis is not considered to be small if it is more than three inches in length. That being said, only about 35% of men believe that the size of their penis is sufficient. That’s a lot of penis anxiety. In contrast, a 2012 Scottish study found that 60% of female participants said that penis size made no difference to their sexual pleasure. If you’re still feeling less than average (which, for the record, is between 5.6-6.2 inches in length when hard), then here are a few tips to make the most of what you’ve got:
Amp up the foreplay: Women love a man who is good with his hands and mouth. If she has several orgasms before the sex even starts, you’ll still come out on top, no matter what you’re packing.
Switch up the positions: Avoid positions like missionary which might not be as orgasmic for her with your size, and instead try cowgirl position, which allows for optimal penetration and provides her with control of pace and depth.
10. Sometimes I can’t finish during sex; what’s wrong with me?
Some guys finish quickly and others can’t finish at all. Delayed ejaculation is when you just can’t seem to ejaculate during intercourse no matter how hard you try and no matter how long you have sex. You’re there, she’s there, you’re hard, the sex feels great, and yet an hour might go by and you’re no closer to crossing that finish line.
The frustrating thing about delayed ejaculation is that the majority of men of who suffer from it can still masturbate to completion. It’s only when a partner gets thrown in the mix that they become unwilling marathon men. The causes vary widely, from health issues, to medication, to psychological issues like anxiety or depression. This disorder is still considered somewhat rare, and is not completely understood by psychologists and sex therapists. But that doesn’t mean you should ignore the problem and continue having intercourse sans orgasms forever. Experiment with mutual masturbation and when you know you’re about to ejaculate you can move inside her and release. If this still doesn’t work and you’re having consistent trouble ejaculating during sex, it’s important to get help from a professional. Treatment usually includes some form of therapy, whether by yourself or with your significant other (good news, though: It’s sex therapy).
